In Search of Peace
by The Infernal Jynk
Summary: Matrix reflects on his life as he goes into battle with the troops against Daemon. Please read and review.


Last Thoughts

_Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blahthese characters don't belong to me, they belong to Mainframe Ent.  
Author's Note: I know the style is a little funky, but I wanted an odd feel to it. Also, there's a bit of gore near the end, hope that doesn't bother anyone. Please R/R._

In Search of Peace

I don't know how to begin telling you this. Everything's moving so quickly now. It all started in that game, though, that user spammed game. I only tried to do my best to win. I didn't want to be nullified. I thought I was winning, no, I _was_ winning. Something flashed before my eyes. The pain was terrible, but it was nothing compared to the sight of all that blood. Had that really all been mine?

That was long ago, seem like a million hours ago, now. I remember it clearly, but I always feel like I'm seeing it through someone else's eyes, like it never really happened to me. It's like now. I'm standing outside the Principle Office half-listening to Bob and my sister make plans to take the fight to Daemon. I was here for the restart, saw it with my own eyes, but it still seems unreal all the same.

Oh, there are two of me now, by the way. The restart input another, younger version of me in the system. It's strange seeing him. He's me, after all, but I don't want him to _become_ me. It's like I got a second chance, only it's not me, it's _him_. I just wish it was me sometimes. I'd like to turn the seconds back to when I was just a little sprite playing games with Bob again. I wasn't very good at games, not at first, but Bob was. He could win anything the user threw at him.

It's strange, almost funny, really. I always thought Bob would be my hero forever. I certainly looked up to him. It's just that I didn't agree with the way he saved Mainframe. We could have won that game and rebuilt the system. We could have. Maybe. I was afraid to die, I admit that, which is funny, too. I've died in countless times in that game before I finally got the hang of it. The worst part about dying was being killed over and over by Zaytan. I still have nightmares about him crushing my skull. In my dreams, I can't see anything except the blade coming at me time and time again. Then, I feel his hand on my head. I can't see anything, but I swear I can _feel_ my skull cracking from the pressure. I don't know why I told you that. I haven't told anyone about the nightmares.

Actually, I don't talk much about anything anymore. I guess I don't have much to say now. I'm home with my family and Megabyte's gone. I beat him, but I didn't delete him. I wanted to, sure, but I'd seen enough deletions. Maybe it makes me weak, a coward, but I don't care. I've erased so many, I just couldn't do it anymore. I guess it makes me seem random. I don't want to kill anymore, but here I am getting ready to fight again. I know I'll delete our enemies, it's war after all, but I just don't want the nightmares anymore.

Phong told me I'm disconnected from everything because of all the stuff that happened to me. I guess he's right, I never want to be around people anymore. I hate when they try to talk to me. They see me sitting alone, minding my own business, and they ask me what's wrong like they might really care. They're so fake in their concern for me. My sister's the worst. It's so obvious she favors my younger self over me. I shouldn't let it bother me because she really doesn't know me anymore, but I just wish she'd look at me like her little brother again instead of a stranger. Oh, sure, she was happy to see me when I first got back, don't get me wrong on that. It's just lately, well, she's been keeping her distance. It's not all her fault, I guess. I keep away from her, from everyone, as well. I just feel so filking lonely here, like I don't belong.

I glance at Dot just in time to see her pat my younger self on the head and it spam near breaks my heart. I just want to scream at her to accept _me_, to be _my_ sister again, but I don't. Maybe I'm just scared she'll laugh at me. The whole situation is depressing. I use to want to be like Dot when I was a kid. I thought she was the greatest thing since dual processing. I remember this one time I started my own business so I'd be more like her. It didn't turn out right. That was so long ago, it seems like a dream now.

Bob seems to be finishing up the battle strategies. He's changed a lot since he was shot into the Web. He use to be spontaneous and take chances. Now he's as calculating as Dot is. Funny how something can alter your programming so much, isn't it? I wanted so much to be like him, too, when I was compiling up, but now? I guess I just want to be myself. I'm nothing like him. I want to say I'm proud of that, but I'm not. I compiled up in the games and other systems, learning to be tough and survive on meanness alone. I've deleted without mercy. I've even stolen food, just to keep the day's hunger back. I'm a murderer and a thief, but I'm trying to live my life right. At least, I hope this is right.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Bob. He tells me the meeting is over, then walks away. I suppose he doesn't want to talk to me anymore than my sister does. I don't blame him. I wouldn't be around the others if they didn't need me so much for this upcoming battle against Daemon. Maybe that's all I'm good for, shooting a gun and being on the front lines. I wish they could see me as _more_ than that.

It's not long before we're on our way. It's strange being on the Saucy Mare again. It's not the real one, I know. The real Saucy Mare blew up, fell over, then sank into the energy sea, but the pirates built a new one and it held together, and that's what we're sailing in. The pirates seem happy to be back on the ship again. I can see why. I love being on this ship, too. I'd probably like it more if I didn't know that we're sailing into a war. Yeah, I'm scared. Call me a coward if you like, I don't care. I've seen some of Daemon's handy work and it scared me. She's capable of infecting Guardians, and full-fledged Guardians, at that. Imagine what she'd do to me.

I'm sitting in my cabin, listening to the sounds of the ship. Tomorrow we'll be fighting, but tonight we're supposes to be getting some downtime. Who can rest, knowing what's going to happen in the morning? I look down at AndrAIa asleep in bed next to me. She's so beautiful. Most people look funny or weird when they sleep, but not her. She just looks peaceful. I lean back against the headboard and close my eyes. I don't fall asleep, though, I just think, not about tomorrow, but about other stuff. I think about these two little binome kids I saw in the park. They were running around and having so much fun, totally oblivious to the coming war. I wanted to be one of them right then, to be carefree and just play. I want children of my own some day. I'm afraid of what kind of father I'll be. I guess every man is. Still, all I really want to do now is have a family. AndrAIa sighs softly beside me and puts her arm around my waist. I wonder what she's dreaming about. Does she want children, too? She'd be a wonderful mother.

The ship shift suddenly. I know that feeling, we're coming into dock. Is it morning already? I wonder how many times I've asked myself that. Too many sleepless cycles, I suppose. Actually, I guess I don't sleep as well as I use to. Seen too much death; caused a _lot_ of it, so I guess it kind of haunts you afterwards. Even the viruses haunt me. I can hear them in sleep. I didn't tell you that, did I? That's part of my nightmare; hearing the viruses scream and beg for mercy in the dark before Zaytan attacks me. I think it's suppose to be my penance for all the people I've deleted.

AndrAIa's already awake and talking to me, but I don't really hear her. My mind is wandering to thought of the battle today. I'm scared, not really for me anymore, but for the others. I don't want any of them to be erased. Sometimes, I just wish I'd never heard of Daemon. I always use to blame Megabyte and Turbo for all that happen to me, but it was really all Daemon's doing. I wonder what I'll do, what I'll say if I finally come face to face with her. Will I fight her like I did Megabyte?

Looking out over the battlefield, I can feel my fear slipping away. All I feel now is anger and sadness. We shouldn't be fighting the Guardians, but there's really no choice. The last time I saw Turbo, well, the only time really, he was barely in control from fighting the infection. I wonder if he's still fighting. I hope so, I'd hate to delete him. Actually, I'd hate to have to delete anyone, but this is war after all. War's funny like that. After awhile, you just go numb. Deleting people never use to bother me, except in my nightmares. I guess I kind of regret some of the things I've done.

There are Guardians everywhere, either fighting or dying. Mouse is wounded and several of our army has been deleted. I don't think we're all going to come back from this. I see an opening in the enemy lines and I take it. Two Guardians fall from shots of my gun as I run past. I don't look back, I already know they're erasing. The front gates of the Guardian stronghold are within reach now. I reach for the handle as I feel a sharp pain in my gut. I look down at the blade sticking out of my belly just in time to see it ripping out of me, my insides still clinging to it's slick surface. I never knew something could hurt so much that it didn't _hurt_ at all. I drop to my knees and look up at the Guardian that's now wiping my blood and energy from his blade. I wrap my arms around my belly in a futile attempt to hold my insides in. All I can think about is how much I want my mother to hold me and tell me it'll all be all right. I look up at the Guardian again, but he's already walking away. I wonder if he'll regret what he's done. I fall over on my side and curl up in a ball, hurting, but not hurting. 

Bob runs up to me. At least I think its Bob, I can't really see right anymore. I reach out, my hand is covered in gore, searching for my friend. He tells me to lie still, that I'm going to be okay. I know he's lying to make me feel better, to put me at ease. I lie back, supported against him and tell him to leave me, that it's too late to save me, but he won't listen. I start coughing, tasting blood in my mouth. I must look terrible. I'm just glad Dot isn't here to see me like this. She's gonna be so sad when she hears that I'm dead. I hope she doesn't dwell on it too long, I don't want her to live her life without letting me go. She tries to be strong for everyone, but inside, she's still just my big sister. I'm glad she's not here. It feels odd, lying here listening to the battle, knowing I'm not in it anymore. I hope AndrAIa's okay. I think she's near me, too. I guess this means we won't be able to start a family. I try to tell her I'm sorry, but it just comes out in a low moan.

I can feel myself fading further away from my body, from my family, from the Net. It's so quiet, so peaceful. You know what? There really is no user. At least, I don't see one. There's just darkness all around me; darkness and quiet. I can see a few memories, my last thoughts, I suppose. Is this my life replaying for me? I know I'm erasing, but all I can think about is standing in Floating Point Park and watching the fish swim in the lake. I wish I could see those fish again, just once. I don't know where I'm going now, but I'm not scared anymore. Even though I'm alone, I'm not lonely either. My life was filled with violence, hatred and anger. It's nice to just _rest_ now. For the first time, I'm not afraid to sleep, because I know the nightmares and the ghosts can't haunt me anymore.


End file.
